Friday, April 12, 2013
You Probably Won't Tell Him; Chapter One
I am going to explore this phenomenon in this blog. Some of the revelations will be personal, some conjecture, and some reader contribution. I will not differentiate for you.
Also share your arguments, should you disagree with my content. Some of that will definitely be used for blog fodder. You can do this in the captcha free comment area.
There is a confidential blog for women in which they are guaranteed anonymity. The Secret Society of Women. You can read the most amazing stuff there. It has its usual share of arguments about cloth versus disposable diapers, global warming, what have you read lately, why I don't want to have kids, what a cute thing Poopsie did to the back of my couch, etc. Its many forums cover just about anything. It regularly lists the porno sites that they feel, or their contributing readers feel, are the most female friendly. The site, and others like it, (Google!!) cover a wide variety of sexual orientation and taste. For the record, this particular blog I have named has been hacked twice, at least to my knowledge, and males have tried to pass off the most outrageous contributions and remarks as female. They have also attacked, as male, some of the content. This is just a note to remind you that, on the Internet, you probably should never assume you are sharing something that you don't want attributed or associated with yourself.
It is amazing to me, even now, after many, many years of marriage, what a woman will not tell her husband. Some of it, I am positive, is best left unsaid. Some of it might be helpful to the general well-being of the actual marriage if it was shared. Much of it, the guy involved, and I cannot speak for homogenous unions, although I am sure this applies in some respects, does not care about and wishes you had never brought it up at all. Sometimes you might hear, "Why didn't you tell me that", this usually at the marriage counselors, or "I wish you didn't tell me that" this, I can only assume, while he stares in disbelief at your tear-stained face.
In each case the woman must make the decision on her own, and this is not an easy call. Many times the woman is the share everything type of person and spouts lots of extraneous gobbledy gook that goes, for the most part, ignored. The husband in most cases learns when to tune out. Maybe he will miss something important or useful, but that is the way the game is played. Like it or leave the field. She also has to consider the husbands nature before she spews. Maybe he is the laissez-faire kind of guy, or maybe hearing about your third boyfriend will cause him to have a performance crisis. I am pretty sure, if your instinct is not to share, you should not share. Don't for a minute think, no matter how long you have known this person, that you "know" him. I think this applies to any every day relationship. The person you think you know may be a long way from what that person is. And the face they present to you is what they want you to see. As the facets of the personality are revealed, deliberately or not, you again have to make judgments about what you can tolerate or what is a game ender for you.
Let me start off by sharing a few bon mots from some of the supposedly confidential sources.
A woman wrote in that she was longing to experiment with the more extreme version of the three-way. Many, many forums discuss the three-way, so this part should not be news to you. You can read about them and glean whatever you need or want to know about them in many places.. For example, I kid you not, it has been scientifically shown that observing the sexual play between two men and a woman causes more motility in sperm than the observation of the play of two women and one man. Take that how ever you wish. Anyway, in this particular scenario, the woman desired to experience double penetration and was asking for advice as to how she could broach this subject with the husband, and how to select the third party without endangering the dynamic of the family she was currently a part of. The general consensus was that, if the husband went for it, preceded by the bigger if she was able to broach the subject, the third party should be a stranger that you could trust. A pretty unbelievable and probably unavailable expediency.
My informed guess is that, in most cases, the wife would keep this desire to herself and would fear to bring up the subject at all. And, I further conjecture without any back up info, that the guy is at work complaining how he never gets laid anymore.
In another forum, rich with personal secrets and information, Cafe Mom, initials are used to designate in a kind of shorthand who you are referring to. DH is dear husband, DD is dear daughter, and so on. After reading sporadically over a year or two, I was confounded by the reference EA. Then, by context, I determined that it stood for Extramarital Affair. In itself, I think, and kinda hope, you would take pause at how often this reference is made. But, more and more lately I am hearing, "That goes on all the time. People just don't talk about it." Someone told me the story of the upheaval in their family and ended the story with, "That probably goes on all the time. It is just that no one talks about it." When relating the tale to another party (those stories are always very interesting), the person to whom I spoke said, "That probably goes on all the time. It is just. . .etc."
But in off-handed remarks, I have learned that there are many reasons for this occurrence -- an occurrence that is publicly considered a deal-breaker, and religiously and culturally a no-no. And one thing I know for sure, it is not related to the quality or quantity of sexual attention at home. I have heard for years that most men have extramarital affairs most often for emotional reasons. Yeah. (coff-coff). Here is the skinny from the grape vine. If you have had three kids and have gone through a rigorous self improvement program and have achieved amazing results, the person from whom you will hear, "You look amazing. I cannot believe what good shape you are in," will be the EA. The closest I have ever heard of this type of compliment from a husband was a bit left-handed. A young mother who took exceptional care of her post-child birth body was asked by her husband to wear those new tight yoga pants to a work related social gathering.
And, tell me, ladies. Would it mean ANYTHING at all if you had to say to your husband, "Didn't I do a good job of getting my figure back?" and he said, "Yeah."